Polished Heart

I have so much  to say . This is gonna be a post full of emotions .
Well today could just have been any other day ,where i will end my day smoothly in school and be a happy girl , who i think i recently was . But instead , something really really upsets me today . And that feeling is back . That feeling of thousands of knives just searing through your heart . How would you feel ?
Yes , this is not the first time i felt like this . And im sure its never gonna be my last . But thank god , you have been more benevolent to me today , really . At least , i didnt hear those words out from my good friend , which i suppose i would be hurt 100000000 times more if i really did . Why do i know ? Because it happen before .
I reassured myself that everyone has flaws and imperfections , but  i suppose that was not enough to soothe a demanding self . Can you imagine ? My day went really good and i have all the WORLD's reasons to be happy . But instead i have to allow words to bring me down . Yes , im really down . And it doesnt help with all those laughter after that comment . Yes i really wonder why people would think that i have no feelings , or rather , i was invisible . So i hung my head , Curled up in my seat , and holding back those wellling tears . I cringed my hands and palms tight , and wished i would never have to look up again . Somehow , im just afraid people would see through my eyes and penetrate my thoughts and they would know what i was thinking about . It sucks , it really sucks . The most painful thing is you have to pretend you dont care a single bit when its fucking killing you deep inside . What if i appear to be agitated or sad ? Matured ones would probably apologise .While critical others would create a big deal and agitate me more . And the next  thing to happen is the world world knows what im upset about . And fuck , of course that wasnt what i wanted , wallowing in self pity and welcoming all gushing sympathy . Yes , i definitely do hate myself for allowing words to bring me down . And i began to think . No one was responsible for my emotions , my ups and downs. No one would ever know that im deeply hurt by such stuffs . No one knows that it really matters to me . And this was the thing that made me really upset last year . My self esteem and confidence dropped to the minimum , and cry pails of tears when someone touched this sensitive point of mine . All my minimal happiness contains a tinge of this breaking point . And i really wasnt happy . I start to ask myself what i was living for ? Why my days could never be an enjoyable one ? Why am i so cynical ? And i refused to accept the reality . I REFUSED . I ran away from all my problems , and there will always be someone i could fault . Those days really killed me . For that months i didnt have a day when i really felt great about myself .
But thankfully , someone really enlighten me that day , in a subtle way. But i felt it . He wants me to get better . He wants me to break out of this . He wants me to realise that there are many who are more misfortunate . It was really hard to let go certain things and accept certain reality . But i know , i had to . I wouldnt dare to say im totally unaffected now , simply for the fact that it still hurts me a year later , which was today . But i guess , i will learn to get over it , for everyone who loves me .
And you , yes You . If you happen to passed by this tiny space of mine , and even persevered to read through all the mixed feelings above , and should you went through something like this ,  i hope you will be braver than me , at least .