p.s/ I think i was too agitated in the previous post that i forgot to change the font . HAHAHA
Friday, April 27, 2012
Okay . Today was quite a happy day . Aside from the fact that i will no longer have to go for cca on friday , im also really delighted i can go home early and rest . But i realise , whenever im at home , I will not get down and do my stuffs . My engine only starts at 7 , after dinner . I will always spend time on other stuffs , such as using computer (like what im doing now) , watching Xiaxue's guide to life , Qiu Qiu's budget barbie , downloading songs , window shopping online . But on the lighter side its actually quite reasonable , because my old phone is dead and i cant access to internet to social networking websites with my nokia X9124894 phone . So naturally im allowed to have more computer time right ? Hehehe . EXCUSES U SAY . HAHAHA. Okay time for dinner !
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Polished Heart
I have so much to say . This is gonna be a post full of emotions .
Well today could just have been any other day ,where i will end my day smoothly in school and be a happy girl , who i think i recently was . But instead , something really really upsets me today . And that feeling is back . That feeling of thousands of knives just searing through your heart . How would you feel ?
Yes , this is not the first time i felt like this . And im sure its never gonna be my last . But thank god , you have been more benevolent to me today , really . At least , i didnt hear those words out from my good friend , which i suppose i would be hurt 100000000 times more if i really did . Why do i know ? Because it happen before .
I reassured myself that everyone has flaws and imperfections , but i suppose that was not enough to soothe a demanding self . Can you imagine ? My day went really good and i have all the WORLD's reasons to be happy . But instead i have to allow words to bring me down . Yes , im really down . And it doesnt help with all those laughter after that comment . Yes i really wonder why people would think that i have no feelings , or rather , i was invisible . So i hung my head , Curled up in my seat , and holding back those wellling tears . I cringed my hands and palms tight , and wished i would never have to look up again . Somehow , im just afraid people would see through my eyes and penetrate my thoughts and they would know what i was thinking about . It sucks , it really sucks . The most painful thing is you have to pretend you dont care a single bit when its fucking killing you deep inside . What if i appear to be agitated or sad ? Matured ones would probably apologise .While critical others would create a big deal and agitate me more . And the next thing to happen is the world world knows what im upset about . And fuck , of course that wasnt what i wanted , wallowing in self pity and welcoming all gushing sympathy . Yes , i definitely do hate myself for allowing words to bring me down . And i began to think . No one was responsible for my emotions , my ups and downs. No one would ever know that im deeply hurt by such stuffs . No one knows that it really matters to me . And this was the thing that made me really upset last year . My self esteem and confidence dropped to the minimum , and cry pails of tears when someone touched this sensitive point of mine . All my minimal happiness contains a tinge of this breaking point . And i really wasnt happy . I start to ask myself what i was living for ? Why my days could never be an enjoyable one ? Why am i so cynical ? And i refused to accept the reality . I REFUSED . I ran away from all my problems , and there will always be someone i could fault . Those days really killed me . For that months i didnt have a day when i really felt great about myself .
But thankfully , someone really enlighten me that day , in a subtle way. But i felt it . He wants me to get better . He wants me to break out of this . He wants me to realise that there are many who are more misfortunate . It was really hard to let go certain things and accept certain reality . But i know , i had to . I wouldnt dare to say im totally unaffected now , simply for the fact that it still hurts me a year later , which was today . But i guess , i will learn to get over it , for everyone who loves me .
And you , yes You . If you happen to passed by this tiny space of mine , and even persevered to read through all the mixed feelings above , and should you went through something like this , i hope you will be braver than me , at least .
Well today could just have been any other day ,where i will end my day smoothly in school and be a happy girl , who i think i recently was . But instead , something really really upsets me today . And that feeling is back . That feeling of thousands of knives just searing through your heart . How would you feel ?
Yes , this is not the first time i felt like this . And im sure its never gonna be my last . But thank god , you have been more benevolent to me today , really . At least , i didnt hear those words out from my good friend , which i suppose i would be hurt 100000000 times more if i really did . Why do i know ? Because it happen before .
I reassured myself that everyone has flaws and imperfections , but i suppose that was not enough to soothe a demanding self . Can you imagine ? My day went really good and i have all the WORLD's reasons to be happy . But instead i have to allow words to bring me down . Yes , im really down . And it doesnt help with all those laughter after that comment . Yes i really wonder why people would think that i have no feelings , or rather , i was invisible . So i hung my head , Curled up in my seat , and holding back those wellling tears . I cringed my hands and palms tight , and wished i would never have to look up again . Somehow , im just afraid people would see through my eyes and penetrate my thoughts and they would know what i was thinking about . It sucks , it really sucks . The most painful thing is you have to pretend you dont care a single bit when its fucking killing you deep inside . What if i appear to be agitated or sad ? Matured ones would probably apologise .While critical others would create a big deal and agitate me more . And the next thing to happen is the world world knows what im upset about . And fuck , of course that wasnt what i wanted , wallowing in self pity and welcoming all gushing sympathy . Yes , i definitely do hate myself for allowing words to bring me down . And i began to think . No one was responsible for my emotions , my ups and downs. No one would ever know that im deeply hurt by such stuffs . No one knows that it really matters to me . And this was the thing that made me really upset last year . My self esteem and confidence dropped to the minimum , and cry pails of tears when someone touched this sensitive point of mine . All my minimal happiness contains a tinge of this breaking point . And i really wasnt happy . I start to ask myself what i was living for ? Why my days could never be an enjoyable one ? Why am i so cynical ? And i refused to accept the reality . I REFUSED . I ran away from all my problems , and there will always be someone i could fault . Those days really killed me . For that months i didnt have a day when i really felt great about myself .
But thankfully , someone really enlighten me that day , in a subtle way. But i felt it . He wants me to get better . He wants me to break out of this . He wants me to realise that there are many who are more misfortunate . It was really hard to let go certain things and accept certain reality . But i know , i had to . I wouldnt dare to say im totally unaffected now , simply for the fact that it still hurts me a year later , which was today . But i guess , i will learn to get over it , for everyone who loves me .
And you , yes You . If you happen to passed by this tiny space of mine , and even persevered to read through all the mixed feelings above , and should you went through something like this , i hope you will be braver than me , at least .
Monday, April 9, 2012
Monday blues baby ?
Quite looking forward to this saturday Rhapsody ! Its time to hang out with classmates ! Hope we really get to go kbox ~ and i can finally sing again . I mean , sing with the mike .
Today oral was bad .
what was i thinking when im having my oral ? I must have done really bad this time round .
But it seems legit that im nervous and all stressed up because of the examiner right ? Hahah . JK.
Haiz , probably on my part , i really did not do well in revising beforehand . Maybe i got to complacent as i have scored pretty well in all my oral examinations ?
I thought that everything would come naturally as planned but for today , i really cant carry on . I was literally stuttering and stammering in her face > and she was having the -_- "WHY ARE U SPEAKING LIKE THIS" face . Then i got even more discouraged upon seeing her disapproving look . But thank god , this is only prelims . Well at least this isnt actual O levels oral examinations . I will never forgive myself if i perform like this in O levels .. Okay i hope that my chinese oral is not this bad ~ HAHAHA
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Wooooo
Have not been blogging for very long time ... computer spoilt .. Now using aunt's laptop . Hehehe its been ages since i used computer ^^ .
Dont you think time is passing way too fast ? Its already april now . And im nearer to my O levels ... :(
Alright , anyways now im treating blogging as a way to express my thoughts and feelings . I dont have much readers btw . HAHAHA .
Okay honestly , this few weeks have been really stressful deh . Lots of tests and i really have to find time to cope with everything , not mentioning 3 weeks ago i was sick for that one whole week . So i went to my aunt's house at Bedok to stay overnight 2 days ago . Its really nice of her and she offer me to bring home her laptop {she have got another one }. the most exciting part is i get to see the girls ! tongtong have grew quite a fair bit ! She's already climbing now , the last i saw her she was still a sweet little cute baby. But nonetheless , shes still very cute . And ofc , Yu Xuan is as noisy as ever ! Hahaha probabaly i should say adorable ? Heheh
Its really nice hanging out with kids . Their thoughts are so simple , and they are always that happy , as long as they get to eat and play ! Im really thankful that i could get to enjoy little tinge of happiness with them . Seeing them learning and growing up has also been really fulfilling . :) .
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)